Jokes about computers and programming




This is a mix of jokes about computers and programming collected over the years. Some of them are so old, that they only make sense for older ones of us.

Enjoy!

Michael





CSS Jokes


#australia {
transform: rotateY(180deg);
}


#autobots {
transform: translate3d();
}


.bambis-mom {
cursor: crosshair;
orphans: 1;
}


#bermuda-triangle {
display: none;
}


#big-bang::before {
content: "";
}


.bruce-banner {
color: pink;
transition: color 10s;
}

.bruce-banner.the-hulk {
color: green;
}


#china {
border-top-style: solid;
}


#chucknorris {
color: #BADA55;
}


.defibrillator {
clear: both;
}


.delorean {
z-index: -1955;
}


#europe .country {
border: none;
}


.fear {
display: none;
}


gangsta-rap {
word-spacing: 0;
}


.government {
transition: all 4yr ease-out;
}


.hobbit {
height: 50%;
}


.hobbit #foot {
width: 200%;
}


#ikea {
display: table;
}


.illuminati {
position: absolute;
visibility: hidden;
}


.infinity-edge-pools {
overflow: hidden;
}


.invisibility-cloak + #harry-potter {
visibility: hidden;
}


.invisibility-cloak + #mad-eye-moody {
visibility: visible !important;
}


#lego {
display: block;
}


.leprechaun {
height: 20%;
color: green;
display: none;
}


#moses > .sea {
column-count: 2;
}


#muscles {
display: flex;
}


.ninja {
visibility: hidden;
color: black;
}


#nsa {
opacity: 1;
}


.obese {
width: 200%;
overflow: visible;
}


.oliver-queen {
cursor: arrow;
}


#periodic {
display: table;
}


.religious-upbringing {
perspective: inherit;
}


.rich-people {
top: 1%;
}

.working-class {
bottom: 99%;
}


.samsung {
@extend apple;
}


#rip {
bottom: -6912px;
/* 6912px = 6 feet */
}


.single-lane-road {
width: auto;
}


.sniper-mode-engaged {
cursor: crosshair;
}


#titanic {
float: none;
}


#tower-of-pisa {
font-style: italic;
}


.usa > .marijuana-laws {
.federal {
cursor: not-allowed !important;
.state {
cursor: wait;
&.AK, &.CO, &.DC, &.OR, &.WA {
cursor: progress;
}
}
}
}


#usa + #mexico {
border: 1px dashed;
}


.wife {
right: 100%;
margin: 0%;
}


.yomama {
width: 99999999px;
}



99 little bugs in the code.
99 little bugs.
Take one down, patch it around.
127 little bugs in the code...



The Tao of Programming:

A novice asked the master: "What is the true meaning of programming?"
The master replied: "Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are fatigued, program when the moment is right."

A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometime runs and sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally baffled. What is the reason for this?"
The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers simulate determinism; only Tao is perfect. The rules of programming are transitory; only Tao is eternal. Therefore you must contemplate Tao before you receive enlightenment."
"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the novice.
"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.

A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", he said, "may I examine it?"
The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the human."
"Pray, great master", implored the novice, "how does one find this mysterious setting?"
The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened.

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software - regardless of how insignificant," said the master.
"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.

A group of programmers were presenting a report to the Emperor. "What was the greatest achievement of the year?" the Emperor asked.
The programmers spoke among themselves and then replied, "We fixed 50% more bugs this year than we fixed last year."
The Emperor looked on them in confusion. It was clear that he did not know what a "bug" was. After conferring in low undertones with his chief minister, he turned to the programmers, his face red with anger. "You are guilty of poor quality control. Next year there will be no 'bugs'!" he demanded.
And sure enough, when the programmers presented their report to the Emperor the next year, there was no mention of bugs.

A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
"But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it take if I assign ten programmers to it?"
The master programmer frowned.
"In that case, it will take two years."
"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
The master programmer shrugged.
"Then the design will never be completed," he said.



A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.

The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"



Windows 95:

32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition.



Redneck Computer Terms:

BACKUP - What you do when you run over a coon in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling out sick
CACHE - Neede when you run out of food stamps
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Juniors party univited
DIGITAL - The art of countining on you fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives



Computer acronyms:

PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defective Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW = World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL = Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP = Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS = Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO = Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.



Error Explains:

DOS Error #01: Windows loading, come back tomorrow
DOS Error #02: Windows loaded. System in danger
DOS Error #03: Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
DOS Error #04: Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell yes!

Windows Error #01: No error... yet.
Windows Error #02: Multitasking attempted. System confused.
Windows Error #03: Unexplaind error.
Windows Error #04: Reserved for future mistakes
Windows Error #05: Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
Windows Error #06: Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #07: Door locked. Try control-alt-delete
Windows Error #08: Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
Windows Error #09: Mouse not found. Press mouse button to continue.
Windows Error #09: Game Over. Exiting Windows.

Win95 Error #01: Insufficient money spent in hardware.



You know you have been using the computer too much...

- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
- When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number.
- When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
- When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
- When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
- When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.



Computer vira:

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves some, but IT WILL BE BAAAACK...

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you how great service your getting.

Clinton virus: Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory...

Congressional virus: Computer locks up screens split vertically with a message on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong with yor compuetyer,ewe just can't figyour out watt.

Dan Quayle virus v.2: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes with out joining into a binary network.

Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy...

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files...

Ellen Degeneres virus: Disks can no longer be inserted...

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush Virus: It stats by boldly stating 'read my text...no new files' on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the congress virus.

George Bush Virus (Japanese strain): Eats some of your files, then immediatly regergitiates them.

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your program can never be found again.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files...

Joke Virus: Poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer then e-mails everyone about what it did...

Lorena Bobbit virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows...

Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

MCI virus: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that your paying to much for the AT&T virus.

Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after two bytes...

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care...

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right to life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a councilor about possible alternatives.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves our data, but forgets where it is stored...

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componet of your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Viagra virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy...



Windows is not a virus:

Here's what viruses do:

  1. The replicate quickly. - okay, Windows does that.
  2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. - okey, Windows does that.
  3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. - okey, Windows does that too.
  4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that too.
  5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Maybe Windows is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So there! Windows is NOT a virus.



Programming languages as "Shooting Yourself in the Foot":

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot/

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o No such file or directory % ls %

XBase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to to do it, but the syntax doesn't alow it to explain.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.